i think my mom watched the whole time
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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