omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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