he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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