I wish I only lived at night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
