I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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