I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
