You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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