Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
