it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
