Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
