I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
