Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
