she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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