We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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