Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
