Pregnant stripper...not hot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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