During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
