the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
