There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
