i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
