i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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