woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
