My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
