someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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