i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
