God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
