i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
