I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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