I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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