if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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