before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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