Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
