For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
