you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its not stalking. its research.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
