i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
