My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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