He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
