I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
