So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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