I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
