when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
