Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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