Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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