i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
