He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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