After last night, I could never be a politician.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
