Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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