Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
