Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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