She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
