i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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