I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
