i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
