Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
