"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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