my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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