"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
